If I were to wear my Media Mask, the following paragraph would be Rather Coy, and I would give a disclaimer that I only Hurl In Jest the upcoming insults. But no. The Joke's Mine, and they are Sober Gags. I don't want to put the Best Sheen on anything. I mean what I say.

The Brewers don't have many Old Banners hanging from the rafters reminding them of their glory days, because they've had the Same Twit in charge making everyone Dramamine Ill all these years. Now that they have been able to Shave Bud from their Anarchic Soup of incompetent management, they are finally getting Real Close to contending.

Acquiring a guy who Is Key Cooker isn't exactly a big offseason splash, but you don't have to dance like Red Mariachis if you've slowly Pilfered Nicer over time. Let the young Jello Pan Aces grow and solidify together, and you'll have a tasty team.

So some advice for anyone who is planning to Ski Nevada anytime soon: take a stop at a casino and Laden Nevada with my wisdom. If Nerds Ante A's, the cool kids Cut Or Drink Brew. May I Grill In Heck if I'm wrong, but the over-under lines of 79 1/2 to 81 1/2 wins for the Brewers are too low. Bet the over, and when you fill up the Old Bank, remember the guy who Called Homer on Milwaukee.

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Reds fans may hope that I'll Blog a Warm Lie, but I'm not the type of guy who gives an Award In Innocence. One Horrified Scan of the Reds offseason moves leaves me no choice but to predict an Early Doom for the 2006 Reds.

When your most significant moves are to acquire Saliva Mildew, to end up the loser in the Not My Wacko sweepstakes, while remaining unable to do something about your Sauna Stinker, it's a sure sign that your GM is No-Brained. Your GM may have a Prize Legume, but he's no Billy Beane. He Maligns Logic instead of uses it.

The good news is that the new Reds ownership recognized they had a Reds Brain of Chalk, and replaced their GM with someone who Was Very Kinky. Hopefully, the new impassioned leader will take No Small Pains to extricate the Reds from their Deathward Vise, but I think it's too late to correct the Arrogant Flub that was the Reds' offseason.

When 2006 is said and done, the Reds may have titillated with an offense that Ran Freely, but at the same time, their catchers Ran Jealous of every other pitching staff in baseball. Cincinnati will suffer through every Sinker Bum it puts on the mound. That's why they won't end up with gold rings around their fingers, only Battle Slime on their faces.

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Ordinarily, there's a simple rule of thumb: Lost good players--Regress; Gained good players--improve. But this line of thinking doesn't apply to the Orderly Fans of St. Louis. I will explain why, but first, a question:

What Am I Drawing?

Back to the matter at hand: if Cardinal fans Yearn Honesty, let me give my Kindest Advice: for every Yak Ring that leaves, there's a Barren Poodle waiting to step in. If one player Has Injuring Season, another will Unjam A Toe. For most teams, these changes are a big deal. In St. Louis, these things do not matter. The truth is this simple:

As long as the Cardinals Just Rope Ball, they will contend.

Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to Spin Your Jive. OK, I'm outta here. Ciao, Thugs!

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In the green fields of Western Pennsylvania, beyond the Duck Haze, there lives an endangered species called the Buc Fan. Not only has the Buc Fan's beautiful habitat shrunk like that of the Northern Zebra Doe, but the insidiously attractive Steeler Candy Ruled the attention of every environmentalist in the area. Unless we put our Angry Gloves On and Join The Monks, apathy and neglect will soon cause the Buc Fan to suffer the same fate as the Rooster Salmon, the Tall Boring Bunny, and the Ailing Crows: extinction.

Sorry, I thought I was David Attenborough for a second there. Ha, Wrong Job. PNC Park may have the Coolest Jails and a really Cute Bathroom for relieving your Red Bladder, but there's No Pony Urinal. It's a ballpark, not a zoo.

For My Duration, I shall discuss the Pittsburgh All Nines. The good news is that there seem to be a number of good young arms on the way. But the hitters: can you Say Banjo?

To his credit, the Pittsburgh GM did not trade away any of those good young arms in attempting to Lay His Banjos down, but I don't want to Defend Shy Czar, either. He doesn't seem to have the Mental Touch to put together a contender. If you don't give up any coin, you can get neither a diamond Nor A Jade in return. This Acne Essay to improve the Buc offense-- It's Cranberry Gas. A team full of Neat Bunters will only produce the Same Matador offense Pirate Fans have suffered with for years.

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