Baseball Toaster Humbug Journal
Monthly archives: October 2002


Dateline October 2002: MLB Anti-Probability Drug Scandal
2002-10-31 12:00
by Score Bard
Bud Selig's homilies on baseball anomalies
were thought to be humbugs, but now we learn some drugs
provide the ability to defy probability.
The players who take them find that these make them
break laws of statistics. But criminalistics
now can reveal who's been unreal
in taking success to unlikely excess.

The very first cheater we found was Kirk Rueter.
The suspicions begin with how he can win
with just 3 Ks per nine, which should be a sign
his career is soon done; despite this, he's won
more games than most. We think he's been dosed.

Soriano the Yank is another who drank
the chance-beating potion. He defies every notion
that studies have shown about the strike zone.
To hit with much sock, you must take a walk
more than one time a week. But somehow this freak
is a power producer. He must be a juicer.

Yet these little scandals cannot hold candles
to the news a whole team has fed their bloodstream
with improbable tonics. This act of demonics
made Angels misnomers, for they ranked tenth in homers
and in walks were eleven. Yet the Angels in seven
won the World Series. No plausible theories
can explain how they slugged, unless they were drugged
to defy their long odds, and change monkeys to gods.

Before the 2002 World Series
2002-10-19 11:19
by Score Bard
Ever since a certain Alabaman
made a catch that to this day still astounds
every person there at the Polo Grounds,
the Giants have suffered from a famine
of World Series championships (and what
would be different if Willie Mays had signed
with Boston instead?) which they hope to find
the greatness of Barry Bonds can end, but--
Scioscia likes to go off to the races,
which pressures the Nens, Ortizes and Schmidts
to not give up walks and not give up hits
in order to keep off of the bases
the Garret Andersons and Tim Salmons.
That's Diamond Notes, and I'm Peter Gammons.
Before Game 3 of the 2002 ALCS
2002-10-11 18:11
by Score Bard
As Milton comes down from the frost,
Angels from heaven are tossed.
Milton shows how they fell,
Makes us watch burn in hell
Angels cursing their paradise lost.
Before Game 2 of the 2002 NLCS
2002-10-10 12:27
by Score Bard
Il y avait
par le passé
Un boulanger poussiéreux

Qui a voulu savoir
Qui allait gagner ce soir
Dans le jeu le numéro deux.

Le Russe, il prevoit,
"Je dis que je crois,
Hier, les perdants étaient nous

Un lancer boisé*
nous a défaits
Mais ce soir, il sera vous!"



Before Game 5 of the 2002 ALDS
2002-10-06 13:22
by Score Bard
When questioned if they will face Scioscia,
The Twins fan responded, "Yah, oh, sure,
We'll win, sure, yabetcha!
I'm planning to getcha
A date with a Disneyland brochure!"
Score Bard's blog: now verse than ever!
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