Baseball Toaster: Humbug Journal : February 2003

Monthly archives: February 2003

On the death of Mister Rogers

2003-02-28 12:00

by Score Bard

A loss that feels worse than a shame
Like never will life be the same:
What do you do?
Snap, tomorrow is new,
A beautiful day for a game.

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On Randy Winn's troubles with names

2003-02-27 12:50

by Score Bard

The thing about a new team that really makes me sweat
Is learning all my teammates' names so I won't forget.
There's Freddy, Arthur, Carlos, Chris, Greg and Gil and Ben,
Then that guy I get mixed up--Kelly? maybe Ken?
There's Julio and Rafael, Steve, Luis, and Rett,
There's Edgar, Mike and Mark and Matt, and the funny Bret.
Ryan, Aaron, Ryan, Aaron, Ryan, Willie, Dan,
Shigetoshi, Kazuhiro, Ichiro--Japan!
Joel and J.J., John and John, Jamie and Jamal,
Just Jeff and Jeff and Jeff are left. There, I think that's all!

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On Pedro Feliz

2003-02-26 11:30

by Score Bard

It looks like the false age police
Have caught on to Pedro Feliz.
It's not hard to envision
The roster decision
Where the Giants choose whom to release.

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On the new UZR fielding stat

2003-02-24 01:33

by Score Bard

I'm trying to understand UZR
But I'm feeling a little confUZR.
In L.F. Long's the pits
Cuz C.F. gave him fits?
I don't get it; I must be a lUZR.

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On Left-handed Knuckleballers

2003-02-24 00:33

by Score Bard

Pronouncing each left-handed knuckler
Just tickles me: try it: "Nap Ruckler!"
When I whoop, "Mickey Haefner!"
I burst out in laughner,
And "Wilbur Wood!" too be a chuckler.

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On Bobby Abreu

2003-02-21 18:32

by Score Bard

"What's great about Bobby Abreu,"
Says Bowa, "He'll never dismeu."
He just gives his best
And will not protest,
Whatever you ask, he'll obeu."

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On the idea of a European-style relegation system

2003-02-19 12:33

by Score Bard

The creation
and implementation
of a system of relegation
would only be a temptation
after a long period of frustration
without a single so-called abberation
getting a World Series celebration,
and would only come as an act of desperation
due to serious franchise value hyperdeflation,
in combination
with inebriation.

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On the two-headed catcher system

2003-02-19 10:00

by Score Bard

Though two-headedness has its charms,
This really should raise some alarms.
If catchers see double
It could cause some trouble
Unless they have added forearms.

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On Livan Hernandez' altercation with an old man

2003-02-16 12:00

by Score Bard

"Don't trust this dishonest old man.
That's not how it really began.
His story's a con.
All I did," said Livan,
"Was tell him, 'Don't call me Livann.'"

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The Ballad of Rob Neyer

2003-02-13 12:22

by Score Bard

I had a short exchange
With ESPN's Rob Neyer
Which led me to arrange
A song that it inspired.

Download the song:

Low Bandwidth (138KB, mp3 format)
High Bandwidth (368KB, mp3 format)

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On Mark McGwire

2003-02-12 12:58

by Score Bard

Ah, Mister Home Run, Mark McGwire!
A guy that I really admire.
For back when he played,
He mastered his trade,
And then he knew how to retire.

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On my screwing up the meter on a limerick

2003-02-10 10:00

by Score Bard

I'd like to see you spend a week
Trying to learn how to speak
Exactly like Peter
And then hold your meter,
(Like Wakefield, then Nen), and technique.

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On the Astros' infield

2003-02-09 12:00

by Score Bard

The well-designed Astro, Geoff Blum,
Shouldn't make Houston fans glum,
But Julio Lugo?
Worth less than a Yugo:
His engine just lacks a good hum.

If Astros fans watching Jeff Kent
See a throwing arm erringly bent
Forcing Jeff Bagwell
To have to tag well,
They'll wonder where Biggio went.

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On Trevor Hoffman having surgery

2003-02-09 09:36

by Score Bard

The Padres without injured Trevor
Have likely no chance whatsoever.
Without a clear heir,
They don't have a prayer,
Though I guess you should never say never.

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After the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster

2003-02-04 15:00

by Score Bard

Our mission: to explore the perfect swing,
The easy uppercut, the solid sound,
The bat directed smoothly to the ground,
The skyward peek to see what's taking wing.

The ball is launched, and soon our eyes project
The missile's life ahead, its quick ascent,
Its long, lingering peak, the slow descent
From grand success to accomplished respect.

But suddenly, an unexpected hand
Just reaches up and catches us off guard,
Abruptly snatching down our visions, hard:
Our dreams don't always end the way we planned.

We rage at being victims of deceit,
Misled by expectations; this foul theft
Aborts our lofty dreams, and all that's left
Is the unbearable arc, incomplete.

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