Baseball Toaster Humbug Journal
Monthly archives: March 2005


Men O' War
2005-03-22 23:23
by Score Bard

While people ignored Donald Fehr's warning about gene doping,

thinking it's just science fiction or wishful hoping,

and focused on McGwire as he fell from liked to disliked faster than anyone since Kirby,

today we learned that David Cassidy wants to win the Kentucky Derby.

And even though I doubt Mr. Cassidy would make a very fast horse,

genetically altering an athlete's species is not something I can ever endorse.

But at least now we know that if Fehr was right about genetic manipulation, the first sign we'll see

is a thoroughbred in a pear tree.

* * *

Bobby Fischer, the old master of chess,

found a unique way to escape a mess:

after spending eight months jailed in Japan

because he ignored a US government ban

against playing chess in Yugoslavia back in 1992,

after which the US government withdrew

his passport, meaning he'd entered Japan illegally,

he found one country to treat him regally:

the one country that revered him the most,

the one country that played the host

to Fischer's greatest cold war success

the most famous ever matchup in chess.

Iceland accepted Fischer's application

to become a citizen of their island nation,

and thereby effectively thwarted

America's plans to have Fischer deported.

The US government found it hard to swallow.

"If the resolutions of the world are to be more than ink on paper, they must be enforced. If the institutions of the world are to be more than debating societies, they must eventually act. If the world promises serious consequences for the defiance of the lawless, then serious consequences must follow,"

American President Bush once said in Australia about Iraq.

No word on how long before the US will attack;

The military doesn't like to give out its plans in advance.

But there can be no doubt: Iceland is America's new France,

rivalled in its evil by only bin Laden, al Qaeda, North Korea, Iran,

and Major League Baseball's anti-steroid plan.

Roberto Alomar Retires
2005-03-19 01:24
by Score Bard

He stole bases, got hits, and he walked.
His glovework was great. He seemed locked
Towards the Hall.
But his health hit a wall,
And then there's that loogie he hocked.

Congressional Hearing Recap
2005-03-18 09:41
by Score Bard

Will Thursday's congressional hearing
On the chemical reengineering
Of the bodies of players
Lead to more layers
Of federal law interfering?

The players and owners agreed:
"There currently isn't a need
For new regulations.
Our pure motivations
Are enough to ensure we'll succeed."

Canseco, who'd written a book
Admitting the steroids he took,
Was boldly dissenting.
"They're misrepresenting;
Believe them, and you are a schnook."

Said players: "Consider the source.
A career with a bitter divorce.
He's spent time in jail.
His honor's for sale.
He's a man without any remorse."

Congressional leaders weren't buying.
"Think of the kids who are dying!
Unless from each hero
The drug use is zero,
More and more youth will be trying."

"To answer your questions," said Schilling,
"We'll solve this, and someday, God willing,
I'll be voted up there
To a senator's chair,
And that will feel much more fulfilling."

Palmeiro propounded, "It's true.
Whatever Curt said, we should do.
He has my respect.
I'm sure he's correct."
While Sosa supplied a "Me, too."

The positive-spinner McGwire
Said, "Labels like 'cheater' and 'liar'
Are excessively crappy.
Instead, let's be happy,
And not discuss incidents prior."

The panel discussed the new deal,
And found it was somewhat surreal.
It hadn't existed
'Til arms had been twisted!
Was someone asleep at the wheel?

"I don't want to sound like a jerk,
But that's how these labor deals work,"
Manfred explained.
"A deal is obtained,
And later it's typed by some clerk."

The Congress kept up its critique.
"The punishments here are too weak!
Five strikes you're out
Is a deal with no clout
To stop the next phony physique."

"I certainly want stronger testing,"
said Selig. "And I'm not suggesting
We name any names,
Or give players the blame,
But strictness is what I'm requesting."

The fuss ends up falling on Fehr.
He'll never, of course, volunteer
That the union's at fault.
Any chief worth his salt
Unerringly knows where to steer.

And so, when the actors departed,
I felt I was back where I started.
Unsure who to blame,
Who to trust with the game,
Just sour and sad and sick-hearted.

If Bloggers Wrote the Classics: Genesis 1-3
2005-03-11 17:25
by Score Bard
Baseball Musings:

Only two days into the existence of the universe, and God makes the firmament. It should be interesting to find out what He does with it.

Update: On the third day, God makes dry land and adds some plants, too. I wonder, how will they photosynthesize in all this darkness?

Update: God creates light on the fourth.


Mike's Baseball Rants:

Sometimes the old traditions get it right.

The seven-day week is one of those traditions. The intention was that people would work hard for six days, and rest the seventh. But now people are resting the sixth day, as well.

Now you only get five days of productivity per seven days, instead of six. That's a difference of 85.7% - 71.4% = 14.3 percentage points, or a 16.6% drop in productivity.

If God had been 16.6% less efficient, we would have no animals, and no people. That sixth day can really make a difference.

Let us examine the productivity levels of the various work/rest permutations. Here we have one day of rest:
Days of workDays of restProductivity
Notice, even a four-day week is better than the 5/2 week we currently have, and a three-day week isn't much worse.

If we insist on retaining two consecutive days off, we'd have to work 12 consecutive days to reach the original level of productivity of the 6/1 week:
Days of workDays of restProductivity

And what about three-day weekends?

Days of workDays of restProductivity

Now who would want to work eighteen days in a row? Clearly, if we want an optimal balance between productivity and rest we should behold the sixth day. It is very good.



Batgirl's boyfriend of the day is Adam. Adam came up with all the names for the animals:

"And I'll call you Pandy, and you Stripy, and you Bunny and you Wooly, and you Moomoo."

Poor Adam had to sleep alone. Batgirl felt sorry for him.

But then one day, a miracle happened! Adam got a girlfriend!

No, it wasn't Batgirl, alas.


Will Carroll:

Adam needed to have a rib removed, and would normally have been expected to miss six to eight weeks. But God used a new surgical technique to close up the flesh instead thereof. Adam is now considered day-to-day.


Athletics Nation:

Blez: Where are you?
Adam: I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

Blez: Who told you you were naked? Did you eat of the tree that Billy Beane commanded you not to eat?
Adam: The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Blez: Eve, what is this that you have done?
Eve: The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.



God orders, "Don't eat the fruit!"
Snake says, "You'll be more astute!"
The pair take a bite,
They learn wrong from right,
Then God gives the sinners the boot.

Spoiling the Broth
2005-03-09 08:36
by Score Bard

The news is that I will be switchin'
The web site where I fill my niche in.
To this house I have come
To bug all my hum
As one of the cooks in their kitchen.

Donuts in the Sky
2005-03-08 21:44
by Score Bard

...and the robots who eat them.

The Sneeze is definitely going onto the next version of the Periodic Table. Unless, of course, I get crushed by a giant falling donut before I can get around to updating it.

Burnt Out
2005-03-07 15:30
by Score Bard

It's been weeks since I last made a post.
Did you think that I gave up the ghost?
It's just hard to find time
To make up a rhyme
While fixing to go make some toast.

Score Bard's blog: now verse than ever!
Frozen Toast
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