Baseball Toaster was unplugged on February 4, 2009.
toaster 'at" humbug.com
Will Thursday's congressional hearing
On the chemical reengineering
Of the bodies of players
Lead to more layers
Of federal law interfering?
The players and owners agreed:
"There currently isn't a need
For new regulations.
Our pure motivations
Are enough to ensure we'll succeed."
Canseco, who'd written a book
Admitting the steroids he took,
Was boldly dissenting.
Believe them, and you are a schnook."
Said players: "Consider the source.
A career with a bitter divorce.
He's spent time in jail.
His honor's for sale.
He's a man without any remorse."
Congressional leaders weren't buying.
"Think of the kids who are dying!
Unless from each hero
The drug use is zero,
More and more youth will be trying."
"To answer your questions," said Schilling,
"We'll solve this, and someday, God willing,
I'll be voted up there
To a senator's chair,
And that will feel much more fulfilling."
Palmeiro propounded, "It's true.
Whatever Curt said, we should do.
He has my respect.
I'm sure he's correct."
While Sosa supplied a "Me, too."
The positive-spinner McGwire
Said, "Labels like 'cheater' and 'liar'
Are excessively crappy.
Instead, let's be happy,
And not discuss incidents prior."
The panel discussed the new deal,
And found it was somewhat surreal.
It hadn't existed
'Til arms had been twisted!
Was someone asleep at the wheel?
"I don't want to sound like a jerk,
But that's how these labor deals work,"
"A deal is obtained,
And later it's typed by some clerk."
The Congress kept up its critique.
"The punishments here are too weak!
Five strikes you're out
Is a deal with no clout
To stop the next phony physique."
"I certainly want stronger testing,"
said Selig. "And I'm not suggesting
We name any names,
Or give players the blame,
But strictness is what I'm requesting."
The fuss ends up falling on Fehr.
He'll never, of course, volunteer
That the union's at fault.
Any chief worth his salt
Unerringly knows where to steer.
And so, when the actors departed,
I felt I was back where I started.
Unsure who to blame,
Who to trust with the game,
Just sour and sad and sick-hearted.
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