Baseball Toaster Humbug Journal
Monthly archives: May 2004


That Pirate, He's No Angel
2004-05-31 09:28
by Score Bard

Isn't there some kind of rule
To prevent this charade by Raul?
Even though Mondesi's
Not Barry Bondesy,
Skipping your contract ain't cool.

The Closer
2004-05-30 15:00
by Score Bard

"We need to have a talk about the door."
Her venom bared, she sheds her socks, her blouse,
her bra, her pants, then slithers off the floor
and into bed. Her eyes encoil her spouse.

The hissing message piques his ears. His hair
is shocked erect. His paws are clenched. His back
is arched. He freezes, sizing up her stare,
then creeps up slowly, hungry for attack.

The closer takes the field, immersed in sweat,
the bases loaded, two outs, one-run lead,
the swarming air abuzz about the threat,
the prize so near desire transmutes to need.

He bends and grabs the rosin, throws it down,
then with a long, deep breath, ascends the mound.

Randy Johnson
2004-05-18 23:01
by Score Bard

Mountains, pyramids,
Eiffel towers, church steeples:
their bones understand.

Perfection stands tall
against an immense blue dome
and points toward God.

Reversed By Shame
2004-05-17 23:42
by Score Bard

The next sneeze is only a dust mite away. Still, the problem remains.

Now I can just say, "I hurt it like Sammy Sosa did." The back pain is awful, but so is feeling like a meathead trying to explain how I got hurt. With rest and ibuprofen, I'm usually restored to normal in about four to six days.

This happens to me once or twice a year. Sometimes, though, the sneeze comes on too quickly, and catches me in a bad position, so that my weak muscligamentendon ends up absorbing the force of the sneeze, and breaks.

I try to sneeze with good posture. I also sneeze a lot, thanks to a mild house dust allergy.

There's a muscle/ligament/tendon (don't know which) in my lower back that I keep on reinjuring over and over. I've been kind of embarrassed about it, but now I know I'm not alone.

I have a problem.

2004-05-16 23:37
by Score Bard

A well-groomed infield.
Honor the work as sacred.
Hop over foul lines.

Baseball Execs Buy Picasso
2004-05-08 18:21
by Score Bard

The Humbug Journal has ascertained that the bidder who purchased a Picasso for $104.1 million is a group of baseball executives headed by art collector Jeffrey Loria (owner, Florida Marlins), Bob DuPuy (President, Major League Baseball) and parking lot mogul Frank McCourt (owner, Los Angeles Dodgers).

McCourt helped the group finance the entire purchase through a series of loans, equity partnerships, and pre-arranged promotional deals. The group supplied no capital of its own to acquire the painting, titled "Boy With A Pipe".

The first promotional deal will take place in June, when the painting will be modified slightly to participate in an advertising campaign promoting a new motion picture.

A source familiar with the Picasso group explains the promotion like this: 'We need to reach out to a younger demographic to bring them to the museums. Our research shows that we have a huge opportunity with kids, to bring them into painting. We needed to engage them in relevant and meaningful ways. It's the future of how we generate excitement inside the museum and about art itself."

Picasso's work is now relevant and meaningful.

"This is the perfect alliance between two quintessential art forms, painting and movies," said the source. "This partnership celebrates superheroes, whether they are on the canvas or on the big screen and we are extremely excited about the opportunity to create this unique promotion."

"It will become a part of our continuing marketing efforts to appeal to younger art lovers in new and non-traditional ways," added the source. "We anticipate that the painting will break records at our museums and movie will be a hit in the theaters."

[UPDATE: Our source has denied making these statements. "I never said that," said the source. "Don't put words into my mouth. Listen to what I say. That's not what I said."

Humbug regrets having said that he said what he said. It's an isolated mistake. We're not like that. That's not who we are. We do not intend to step down. We will stay the course. Humbug stands by its name.]

Google Haiku
2004-05-06 11:49
by Score Bard

The following poem (in haiku form) consists exclusively of the top search engine keywords for this blog. That is, it uses only the words that people have googled to reach in May, in order of their frequency. I only added punctuation, and broke ties. Thanks to grapez for the idea.

Poem: free verse. Nick
Swisher, less than Greek of life.
Essay-my Swedish table.

Periodic and
baseball: the humbug nature.
A translator rhyme.

Limerick, sonnet,
acrostic: translate. Is art
blue about value?

Bard simulator.
Haiku fanimutations.
Memory for sports.

Piazza Sets Catcher HR Record
2004-05-05 23:33
by Score Bard

Piazza's home runs are sublime.
He's passed every catcher all-time.
It's especially neat
That he pulled off this feat
Without playing years past his prime.

Petco Park Tour
2004-05-04 17:51
by Score Bard
I visited Petco Park on April 15th. I took a lot of pictures, and have now assembled them into a slideshow format. I have two versions:
Score Bard's blog: now verse than ever!
Frozen Toast
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