Baseball Toaster Humbug Journal
Monthly archives: July 2004


Yankees-White Sox Trade
2004-07-31 15:20
by Score Bard

What on earth is Ken Williams thinking?
Is he crazy, or has he been drinking?
Loaiza can pitch.
He fills a good niche,
But Contreras has always been stinking.

Four-Way Deal
2004-07-31 15:12
by Score Bard

A miracle falls to the Cubs,
Getting Nomar for nothing but scrubs.
Will the Expo and Twinkie
Cabrera and Minky
Be cheered in the old Boston pubs?

Dodgers-Diamondbacks Trade
2004-07-31 15:01
by Score Bard

DePo's no dapper old dandy.
Fans hate his nouveau operandi.
He got Finley and Mayne,
But he didn't obtain
Redemption by pulling in Randy.

Mariners-Padres Trade
2004-07-30 21:16
by Score Bard

After Fullmer fell through, within hours,
The Padres' GM, Kevin Towers,
Kept on advancin'
By finding Dave Hansen,
With magical pinch-hitting powers.

Phillies-Reds Trade
2004-07-30 21:01
by Score Bard

Ed Wade must feel in his bones
A compulsion to pick up the phones
And keep buying old men
Who can fill up his pen
His latest obsession: Todd Jones.

Phillies-Giants Trade
2004-07-30 20:31
by Score Bard

The Giants are Ricky Ledeed.
Why Sabean made such a trade,
And for Felix, no less,
I have only one guess:
He got brainwashed somehow by Ed Wade.

Padres-Rangers Trade
2004-07-30 17:05
by Score Bard

Fullmer as Padre? Misplaced.
This DH should not be first-based.
Getting Brad for pinch-hitting,
San Diego's admitting
Cirillo's been simply a waste.

Update: This trade has been nixed.
I guess that this blessing is mixed.
Cirillo's still there,
Wasting good air,
But Brad's knee wasn't properly fixed.

Mets Trades
2004-07-30 16:22
by Score Bard

Mets fans should feel quite afraid.
Their team's launched a crazy crusade.
Bye, Kazmir! Bye, Huber!
Your GM's a goober
Who lost to LaMar in a trade.

Dodgers-Marlins Trade
2004-07-30 16:03
by Score Bard

Choi fills L.A. with elation.
And Penny improves their rotation.
They'll miss Paul Lo Duca.
But with Gagne's bazooka,
Their pen will survive deMotation.

Humbug In Print
2004-07-29 23:01
by Score Bard

In addition to presaging Douglas Adams and his Restaurant at the End of the Universe, this quote from S.J Perelman demonstrates the proper use of the word "humbug":

What floored me, actually, wasn't that the veal had found a way to communicate--a more or less inevitable development, once you accepted the basic premise of Elsie, the Borden cow--but rather its smarmy and masochistic pitch. Here, for the first time in human experience,a supposedly inanimate object, a cutlet, had broken through the barrier and revealed itself as a creature with feelings and desires. Did it signalize its liberation with ecstasy, cry out some exultant word of deliverance, or even underplay it with a quiet request like "Mr. Watson, come here. I want you"? No; the whole message reeked of self-pity, of invalidism, of humbug. It was a snivelling, eunuchoid plea for special privilege, a milepost of Pecksniffery. It was disgusting.

--S.J. Perelman
I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, A Matrix Of Lean Meat
New Yorker Magazine
From the Fierce Pajamas Anthology

The Brawl
2004-07-25 08:31
by Score Bard

Arroyo plunks ARod right on the arm.
ARod's enraged, though the pitch did no harm.
ARod starts shouting, "That was intended!"
Arroyo replies back, "Don't be offended.
The pitch got away. It was not at all planned.
The ball merely slipped right out of my hand."
Says ARod, "Yeah, right. Any bridges to sell?
I do not believe you. You can go straight to" Varitek cuts off this long conversation:
"Mr. Rodriguez, I see your frustration,
But would you be kind now, and go take your base?"
ARod shouts, "Shut up, punk! Outta my face!
I've heard enough of this dumb Boston bunk!"
Varitek asks, "Who you calling a punk?"
ARod points moundward, shouting, "Punk? You!"
And also to Varitek, "You're a punk, too!"
The reply: "You seem tense! Did you get enough lunch?
Here's a nice knuckle sandwich and a cupful of punch!"
ARod and Varitek fight to the ground
Players flood toward them from everywhere 'round
As if a dam of sanity had burst and dementia was now surging through and

all the red sox in the dugout come pouring in out of their dugout
all the yankees in the dugout come pouring in out of their dugout
alltheredsox inthebullpen comerunningin fromthebullpen
alltheyanksinthebullpen comerunninginfromthebullpen
and all these people start colliding
and grabbing on to each other and
there's just a huge mass of people all piled on top of
each other in a big jumble between home plate and first base
and you can't really tell who is who because there's
like sixty people all heaped up clustered together
some smashing together some separating each other and all
scratching and clawing and ripping pulling pushing piling

and suddenly yankees starting pitcher tanyon sturtze comes running
across the scene and for some inexplicable reason he jumps onto
gabe kapler and puts him in a choke hold and then david ortiz sees this
and tries to pull sturtze off of kapler, but he cannot because sturtze
has a really good grip on kapler, but ortiz does manage to get sturtze and kapler
to fall over
onto the ground
near the dugout
and then kapler manages
to escape the choke hold
of sturtze
and finally

breathe again

sometimes, when the world seems too intense,
a small, human sacrifice
is what it needs--

a madness to stop the madnesses,
a hurt to stop the hurts.

A trail of blood
oozes down the face of Tanyon Sturtze,

and the game proceeds.

Dodgers in 2004
2004-07-21 17:00
by Score Bard

I'm not shocked the bullpen is great.
I'm not surprised Beltre bloomed late,
Or that Green has declined.
But I'm startled to find
Izturisn't lost at the plate.

All-Star Blues
2004-07-17 05:09
by Score Bard

Rickety Rocketry
Clemens gets clobbered by
Pals he wore pinstripes with
One year ago.

Houston's whole season has
Been disappointing; such
Ruin their show.

Trade Comments
2004-07-05 23:46
by Score Bard

God knows Oakland needed Dotel.
But KC, with Beltran to sell,
Got just Buck, Wood and Teahen?
I'm really not seahen
Why Baird would want those personnel.

As prospects, they're all second-tier.
How good they will be, it's not clear.
The players they need
Are Olivo and Reed
But this just hasn't been KC's year.

Score Bard's blog: now verse than ever!
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