Baseball Toaster Humbug Journal
Monthly archives: March 2003


On Jim Bouton's new book
2003-03-31 23:33
by Score Bard
Though certainly there's been no doubtin'
That few can compel us like Bouton,
I would have preferred
That he'd sometimes be heard
Without some new book that he's toutin'.
Yankees 8, Blue Jays 4
2003-03-31 23:33
by Score Bard
We should be discussing the Rocket
As he put one more win in his pocket.
But forget Roger's heater;
Poor Derek Jeter
Had his armbone dislodged from its socket.
NL West Preview
2003-03-30 23:33
by Score Bard

Arizona Diamondbacks

While 2001 was quite thrilling
Last year was not so fulfilling.
Add Dessens' acquisition
To Kim's new transition:
The coalition of the Randy and Schilling.

San Francisco Giants

With wintertime's painful lament,
Some Giants have packed up their tent.
Durham, Cruz and Grissom
Will help fans not miss 'em;
Alfonzo will proxy for Kent.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Their arms will be really on track
If Dreifort and Brown can come back.
Though they rise from the rubble,
Pitching's not LA's trouble,
It's their feeble offensive attack.

Colorado Rockies

Dan O'Dowd should be admired
For the players that he just acquired.
He was once too aggressive
But this winter's impressive:
The Hampton dump was Justin Speiered.

San Diego Padres

Since Nevin and Hoffman got sore,
They'll focus on 2004.
Perez, Peavy, Eaton,
And Lawrence will sweeten
Petco Park: need I say more?
NL Central Preview
2003-03-29 23:33
by Score Bard

St. Louis Cardinals

With Izzy and Edmonds and Drew
Hurt and replaced by a crew
Of Palmeiro, Marrero,
Kline and Fassero,
It's tricky to guess how they'll do.

Houston Astros

Where Kent once had Nen and Worrell,
It's Wagner set up by Dotel.
But his favorite trade
Is the minutely made
Ballpark compared to Pac Bell.

Cincinnati Reds

With Kearns joining Griffey and Dunn
The Reds' outfield sure will be fun.
While their hitting earns raves,
They'll be digging their Graves
If their pitching yields run after run.

Pittsburgh Pirates

If Ramirez and Kendall come back
And Lofton and Sanders can hack
With the usual Giles,
You will see this year's smiles
Won't be laughs at the yellow and black.

Chicago Cubs

While Sosa belongs with the greats,
He's gotten no help from his mates.
If the others won't hit,
It's so sad to admit,
The Cubs would be in Prior straits.

Milwaukee Brewers

A franchise-wide hole has been dug.
Yes, Sexson can certainly slug,
And I think I can say
That the pitching's OK,
But the rest of that lineup is --Ugh!
NL East Preview
2003-03-29 23:33
by Score Bard

Atlanta Braves

Can Byrd and Ortiz come across
To make Kevin and Tom less a loss?
And can Leo Mazzone
Roll the Rockie turned stony,
Or will Hampton keep gathering Moss?

Montreal Expos

Next year the Expos are gone.
They'll leave Montreal and San Juan.
If no city or county
Will pay Selig's bounty
They're welcome to play on my lawn.

Philadelphia Phillies

With Thome and Millwood and Bell,
There's no excuse not to do well.
For if they play poorly,
I can say surely
That Bowa will give them some hell.

Florida Marlins

Marlins fans, pray to your Lord
To ward off a dreary scoreboard.
With each fragile arm
That suffers more harm
Florida yawns, as if Tor-bored.

New York Mets

The Mets think the future is now,
But that thought I would disavow.
There's pitching fragility,
Offensive senility,
Plus defensive futility, and Howe!
AL West Preview
2003-03-28 23:33
by Score Bard

Oakland Athletics

The A's playoff losses prompt queries
And everyone has their own theories.
My key to survive
The dreaded game five
Is simply to sweep the dang series.

Anaheim Angels

The monkey has seen no upheaval
Since the last Series fly ball retrieval.
Though the team is the same,
It's a whole new ballgame
If the injury bug spreads its evil.

Seattle Mariners

While mermaids sing "Younger!" and "Quicker!",
The Mariners' glow starts to flicker.
Though their hair is now thinning,
They are still somehow winning;
Forgetting that "older" means "sicker".

Texas Rangers

Despite their new manager, Buck,
The Rangers just seem to be stuck.
Their hitting, once more,
Quite often will score,
And the pitching will still really suck.
AL East Preview
2003-03-27 23:33
by Score Bard

New York Yankees

A couple of years since they've won
Makes George vow they won't be outdone
Regardless of cost.
Yet if they win, they've still lost
The joy of surprise that's so fun.

Boston Red Sox

Their highlights hit ESPN,
The starters are good, so's the pen,
Yet while Boston looks great
What strange twist of fate
Is slouching towards Fenway again?

Toronto Blue Jays

An intriguing team, J.P.'s Jays.
They're starting a youthful new phase
Which looks, not by chance,
At a furtive first glance
To resemble the '99 A's.

Baltimore Orioles

Oriole watchers:
Be still. Don't expose yourselves.
Less said, the better.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Rays fans will wish that they knew
The day that he finally blew
The roof off the dome
Of his new chosen home:
The eruption of big Mount St. Lou.
AL Central Preview
2003-03-26 23:33
by Score Bard

Minnesota Twins

The source of my fantasy ire:
Rogers (or Lohse?) and Cuddyer.
For Santana got shafted,
And Kielty I drafted;
I wish I could just Gardenfire.

Chicago White Sox

If Thomas can stop being surly
And Colon can win 20 with Buehrle
And if (let's be greedy)
There's a breakout from Crede,
The Sox year won't end prematurely.

Cleveland Indians

Add talent, a new generation,
To a veteran hitting foundation
Of Burks and Vizquel--
Oh, wait! What's that smell?
The stench of the starting rotation!

Kansas City Royals

I don't want to sound like a meanie
But Beltran, Ibanez and Sweeney
Could make more dramatics
For baseball fanatics
By escaping this team, like Houdini.

Detroit Tigers

Did anyone tell Alan Trammell
His Tigers resemble a mammal
That is less like a cat
And is more something that
Will take some big lumps, like a camel?
On MLB going to Europe
2003-03-17 23:33
by Score Bard
To borrow a phrase from Joe Sheehan,
The average Joe European
Is a baseball illiterate.
So I laugh to consider it:
"Baseball? What's that? Let's go skiin'!"
On the Stats vs. Scouts debate
2003-03-17 23:33
by Score Bard
To rely on the wisdom of scouts
For projecting who hits or makes outs,
And just eyeball at-bats
Without using stats--
Well, that's like trying to write a poem without knowing anything about meter--you might write a good one if you're lucky, but I have my doubts.
On Miguel Tejada becoming a free agent
2003-03-15 23:33
by Score Bard
Oakland fans should be resigned
To not getting all-stars re-signed.
They shouldn't despair
For with Billy Beane there
Another star's not far behind.
On my lack of activity
2003-03-11 23:33
by Score Bard
If you wonder why I'm getting lax
With no recent poems--relax.
There's nothing bad brewing,
Unless you count doing
My state and my federal tax.
On the financial troubles of Elysian Fields Quarterly
2003-03-08 00:33
by Score Bard
Millions say, "I am a fan."
Yet few will pay EFQ's man.
He doesn't succeed
Because no one will read;
Kids these days, they only scan.
On interviewing Al Leiter
2003-03-07 23:33
by Score Bard
If you're a stupid, bad writer
Just interview players like Leiter.
Don't praise or berate him,
Just quote him verbatim
And your writing is instantly brighter.
On Jamie Moyer being his own agent
2003-03-03 23:33
by Score Bard
Life must be good if you're Moyer.
You somehow convinced your employer
Despite your old age
To pay a big wage,
Which you won't have to share with your lawyer.
The Cellphone Song
2003-03-02 12:23
by Score Bard
Here's a stupid song
About a stupid thing
It may have much that's wrong
But at least I do not sing.

Download the song:

Parodying Paul Simon, when Baseball Prospectus goes pro
2003-03-01 12:00
by Score Bard

The problem has hit me mostly economically
What is a Nickle worth, and what about Penny?
My favorite web site now no longer will be free
I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.

I asked, "Is 40 bucks a price that is so wise?"
The answer is easy if you care to analyze
That is the price where revenues will maximize
I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.
Forty bucks to read my BP.

That's what it Costas, Bob.
It's not too Deer, Rob.
Fork up the Cash, Norm.
And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.
Give up the Green, Shawn.
Let's take a Gamble, Lee.
And buy BP.

You said, "Ben Grieve news is hardly worth two cents,"
Is this the best way to spend my Schillings, Pounds, and Pence?"
I said, "I understand that, but just think of their expense."

You said, "Why don't we just wait 'til we have got a clue?
We can decide sometime after next month's sneak preview."
I thought about it and realized that's the thing to do
Before paying forty bucks to read my BP.
Forty bucks to read my BP.

That's what it Costas, Bob.
It's not too Deer, Rob.
Fork up the Cash, Norm.
And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.
Give up the Green, Shawn.
Let's take a Gamble, Lee.
And buy BP.

On Jason Isringhausen
2003-03-01 12:00
by Score Bard
Since Eckersley, Tony and Dunc
Think a closerless bullpen is sunk.
But if Izzy's too busy
He isn't Eck, is he?
He's more like the next Eric Plunk.
Score Bard's blog: now verse than ever!
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