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The Pirates Are Nigh
2005-06-23 12:40
by Score Bard

I try to avoid religious debates, but I feel it is imperative to correct a few common misconceptions about Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.

I won't talk about the string theory/spaghetti analogies. That's been done to death. The first misconception I want to discuss is about the creation itself:

I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget.

This misconception is probably the result of a bad translation of the ancient texts. Of course, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created midgets along with everything else, but the word "midget" was never in the original text. A more accurate translation would be that The Flying Spaghetti Monster created "mountains and trees, and little fields where children could play."

It's likely that "little fields" became mixed up with "little children", which was then translated incorrectly as "midgets."

Most people would agree that it makes a lot more sense to base a philosophy of life on children dressing up as pirates, than on midgets.

The second misconception is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster gets angry if people don't wear full pirate regalia:

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s....As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

While there is no denying this statistical fact, the reduction of pirates and the consequential global warming are not evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is angry. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is indeed all-powerful, but each person has their own Fork within to tap into that power. The Fork can be used for good, or for evil.

Consider the severe drop in pirates since 1980 on Mr. Henderson's graph. Where are all the people in their magnificent full pirate regalia? They are ashamed, and have lost their faith.

Is it a coincidence that the last time the Pittsburgh Pirates won a World Series was 1979? Is it a coincidence that the Pirates have not even had a winning season in over a decade?

The Pittsburgh Pirates have a shiny new stadium, probably the most beautiful park in all the land, and people are staying away in droves, because the team stinks.

Then consider this: is it a coincidence that the General Manager in charge of this awful team is named "Dave Littlefield"? It's the most transparent name in any religion since "Darth Sidious".

The global catastrophes that have resulted from the shrinking population of pirates is not caused by the anger of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's the result of an evil conspiracy.

Littlefield is out to destroy every single true Pirate fan, until all but one, his secret apprentice, remains. We will keep thinking the Pirates are doomed, that their collapse is imminent, when all along, this is exactly what they wanted. When we finally realize what has happened, it will be too late. The last of the Pirate fans will be gone, and together, Littlefield and his apprentice will hold complete control of the Fork. Nothing will be able to stop them and their Evil Dynasty. The Two Evil Pirates will rule the galaxy with an iron fist, winning every battle, without mercy, for years on end.

For those of us who believe in competitive balance, dark times are ahead. May the Fork be with you.

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