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The Mailbag
2004-04-07 00:07
by Score Bard

Let's dip into the mailbag...

You write good but watch out for people stilling poems.

People-stilling poems? Is that some kind of poetic musical chairs freeze tag?
I've never played it but I'm willing to try.

Round and round the bases they go
The monkey and the marlin,
The snake thought it was all in fun:
The yankee quotes George Carlin.
OK, who doesn't have a seat? Sorry, tiger, you're out. Oh, don't cry...

Was just wondering if you've bailed on Barry Zito forever, forever.

Well, I'm still ticked off that Barry Zito's uncle didn't show up that night and change history for me. And if Zito is willing to mess around with the space-time continuum himself, why the heck doesn't he just go back in time and change those playoff homers he gave up to Posada and Ramirez? I think he's just full of hot air, that's what I think. So yes, my wrath may never, ever wane.

But you never know. Time travel creates all kinds of temporal parodoxes. When you've got a guy like Zito messing with space-time itself, forever and forever squared are difficult concepts to ascertain.

Does the Prime Minister know of your families past? If so, is he nervous living next to the relative of the assassin of a former King?

My brother and Swedish Prime Minister Persson have been neighbors twice, in two different cities, and they once had a conversation in a bar at the Rejkjavik airport in Iceland. Not only is Persson not nervous about it, I think they're secretly in love with each other.

Having said that, I don't think Mr. Persson trusts me at all. Every time I go to visit, Mr. Persson is conveniently "out of town". Or he's just "too busy" to invite me over for afternoon coffee. Or he has these mean "security guards" who won't let anyone in to his home for a chat. Yeah, right. You and I know the real reason: that chicken Swede is worried about the kind of unilateral cowboy action that may eminate from a tough-skinned, unpredictable American brother.

What's this humbug I hear about Will Carroll?

Will Carroll is a guy who has a magical secret place where he can go spend time not talking about injuries. And don't we all need a place where we can go spend time not talking about injuries? What a lucky boy is he!

He is full of guts and gore, prospectus and condiments, notably horseradish, cheese wiz, bacon bits, and soy sauce. What is humbug, however, is the rumor that Will Carroll contains chutney.

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