Reds fans may hope that I'll Blog a Warm Lie, but I'm not the type of guy who gives an Award In Innocence. One Horrified Scan of the Reds offseason moves leaves me no choice but to predict an Early Doom for the 2006 Reds.

When your most significant moves are to acquire Saliva Mildew, to end up the loser in the Not My Wacko sweepstakes, while remaining unable to do something about your Sauna Stinker, it's a sure sign that your GM is No-Brained. Your GM may have a Prize Legume, but he's no Billy Beane. He Maligns Logic instead of uses it.

The good news is that the new Reds ownership recognized they had a Reds Brain of Chalk, and replaced their GM with someone who Was Very Kinky. Hopefully, the new impassioned leader will take No Small Pains to extricate the Reds from their Deathward Vise, but I think it's too late to correct the Arrogant Flub that was the Reds' offseason.

When 2006 is said and done, the Reds may have titillated with an offense that Ran Freely, but at the same time, their catchers Ran Jealous of every other pitching staff in baseball. Cincinnati will suffer through every Sinker Bum it puts on the mound. That's why they won't end up with gold rings around their fingers, only Battle Slime on their faces.

40-man roster:

Pitchers		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
39	An Oar Hangar	R/R	6-7	270	05/09/78
35	Androids Snag Jets	R/R	6-4	230	11/09/78
36	Arrogant Flub	R/R	6-2	195	12/30/77
34	Ban Loud Scanners	R/L	6-1	200	05/01/79
31	Battle Slime	R/R	6-3	195	06/06/80
25	Deathward Vise	R/R	6-3	230	09/25/69
45	Dizzier Ale Armor	L/R	6-0	180	01/28/83
56	Dyed Off Cot	R/R	6-5	230	09/09/80
48	He Maligns Logic	L/L	6-2	210	09/23/80
66	Hi, Adult Armpit	R/L	6-2	170	07/12/81
40	I Allow Puns	R/R	6-5	210	03/28/73
57	Joins Argument	R/R	6-1	190	08/06/82	J
22	Metric Lion	L/L	6-3	205	08/04/75
45	Mom's Hard Chin	L/L	6-1	210	01/21/66
46	No Small Pains	R/R	6-4	200	08/26/77
37	Reds Brain of Chalk	L/L	6-1	195	08/30/76
50	REM Neck Trek	L/L	6-2	205	02/01/68
52	Saliva Mildew	L/L	6-3	230	03/12/79
53	Sinker Bum	R/R	6-0	205	07/14/78
00	Thick Wire	R/R	6-4	230	12/23/68
65	Vicar Schtick	R/R	6-3	225	06/10/84
38	Wear Granny	R/R	6-4	225	07/15/82
Catchers		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
17	Ever Vital Ninja	S/R	5-10	210	09/19/75
59	Innards Ahead	R/R	6-0	215	04/08/79
29	Prize Legume	R/R	6-3	190	09/25/83
23	Ran Jealous	R/R	5-11	205	03/19/74
Infielders		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
12	Award In Innocence	R/R	6-1	195	01/07/83
21	Better Cat Ghost	L/R	6-1	210	12/14/69
4	Early Doom	S/R	5-11	155	05/31/81
2	Feel Pole Zip	S/R	6-1	185	05/12/80
33	Hi, I Curl Aria	R/R	6-1	190	09/02/71
27	I'll Blog A Warm Lie	R/R	6-0	175	02/04/83
64	Joy To Vote	L/R	6-2	220	09/10/83
15	Not My Wacko	L/R	5-9	170	09/25/69
6	Ran Freely	R/R	5-10	180	03/08/76
Outfielders		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
3	Fine Keg Fry	L/L	6-3	220	11/21/69
19	Horrified Scan	R/R	6-0	195	07/15/80
26	I Play Women	R/R	6-3	245	01/23/82
44	Mad Nun Ad	L/R	6-6	275	11/09/79
28	Sauna Stinker	R/R	6-3	245	05/20/80