In the green fields of Western Pennsylvania, beyond the Duck Haze, there lives an endangered species called the Buc Fan. Not only has the Buc Fan's beautiful habitat shrunk like that of the Northern Zebra Doe, but the insidiously attractive Steeler Candy Ruled the attention of every environmentalist in the area. Unless we put our Angry Gloves On and Join The Monks, apathy and neglect will soon cause the Buc Fan to suffer the same fate as the Rooster Salmon, the Tall Boring Bunny, and the Ailing Crows: extinction.

Sorry, I thought I was David Attenborough for a second there. Ha, Wrong Job. PNC Park may have the Coolest Jails and a really Cute Bathroom for relieving your Red Bladder, but there's No Pony Urinal. It's a ballpark, not a zoo.

For My Duration, I shall discuss the Pittsburgh All Nines. The good news is that there seem to be a number of good young arms on the way. But the hitters: can you Say Banjo?

To his credit, the Pittsburgh GM did not trade away any of those good young arms in attempting to Lay His Banjos down, but I don't want to Defend Shy Czar, either. He doesn't seem to have the Mental Touch to put together a contender. If you don't give up any coin, you can get neither a diamond Nor A Jade in return. This Acne Essay to improve the Buc offense-- It's Cranberry Gas. A team full of Neat Bunters will only produce the Same Matador offense Pirate Fans have suffered with for years.

40-man roster:

Pitchers		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
53	All Nines	R/R	5-11	180	10/30/81
22	Angry Gloves On	R/R	6-3	210	07/22/77
52	Cotton Visas	R/R	6-3	190	10/02/76
57	Duck Haze	L/L	6-2	210	04/19/83
59	Evil Rep Zero	L/L	6-2	200	08/15/81
39	Ha, Wrong Job	L/L	6-1	210	11/04/78
37	Join The Monks	L/L	6-2	225	03/30/79
51	Ken Gizmo Zeal	R/L	6-1	205	05/23/78
54	Lay His Banjos	R/R	6-2	210	08/13/80
61	My Gonzo Antler	L/L	6-2	205	07/12/82
18	Neat Bunters	L/L	6-0	190	09/17/82
47	Non-Stench Job Haven	R/R	6-4	215	04/14/80
34	Northern Zebra Doe	R/R	6-4	250	11/11/64
28	Oh, Pull Mama	L/L	6-2	225	06/25/82
16	Rooster Salmon	R/R	5-11	210	03/11/72
43	Same Matador	L/L	6-2	205	02/14/75
32	Skip Well	R/R	6-3	205	04/21/77
44	Splash Her Joss	R/R	6-5	235	01/26/81
55	Stamp Pact	R/R	6-3	240	09/03/83
46	Tall Boring Bunny	R/R	6-4	220	09/30/80
Catchers		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
11	Cute Bathroom	R/R	6-0	195	02/07/79
41	My Duration	S/R	6-0	200	04/03/81
56	No Pony Urinal	R/R	6-3	235	04/21/81
Infielders		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
25	Acne Essay	L/R	6-4	235	07/02/74
14	Coolest Jails	R/R	6-1	200	03/19/81
12	Defend Shy Czar	R/R	5-10	190	12/21/77
7	I Just Eat Boas	R/R	6-0	190	10/19/80
3	It's Cranberry Gas	R/R	6-0	180	03/08/82
2	Licks No Jaw	R/R	6-0	205	12/29/77
5	Nor A Jade	R/R	5-11	190	12/18/69
35	Red Bladder	R/R	6-5	270	07/12/80
7	Steeler Candy Lured	R/R	6-1	205	09/26/79
79	Zing Mauve Jar	S/R	5-11	165	05/04/84
Outfielders		B/T	Ht	Wt	DOB
36	Ailing Crows	R/R	6-2	220	11/30/76
6	Hid Scruffy	L/L	5-10	180	04/20/80
10	Java Is Arid	R/R	5-11	190	10/19/80
49	Mental Touch	L/R	5-11	185	10/28/81
--	Ritz Joy Number	L/R	6-0	210	04/15/69
38	Say Banjo	R/R	6-2	200	09/20/78
29	Toy Judger	L/L	6-0	190	09/18/77