Dateline October 2002: MLB Anti-Probability Drug Scandal
by Score Bard
Bud Selig's homilies on baseball anomalies
were thought to be humbugs, but now we learn some drugs
provide the ability to defy probability.
The players who take them find that these make them
break laws of statistics. But criminalistics
now can reveal who's been unreal
in taking success to unlikely excess.
The very first cheater we found was Kirk Rueter.
The suspicions begin with how he can win
with just 3 Ks per nine, which should be a sign
his career is soon done; despite this, he's won
more games than most. We think he's been dosed.
Soriano the Yank is another who drank
the chance-beating potion. He defies every notion
that studies have shown about the strike zone.
To hit with much sock, you must take a walk
more than one time a week. But somehow this freak
is a power producer. He must be a juicer.
Yet these little scandals cannot hold candles
to the news a whole team has fed their bloodstream
with improbable tonics. This act of demonics
made Angels misnomers, for they ranked tenth in homers
and in walks were eleven. Yet the Angels in seven
won the World Series. No plausible theories
can explain how they slugged, unless they were drugged
to defy their long odds, and change monkeys to gods.